You are a good mom.

My stained, scratched and chippy "old faithful" coffee mug reads - “You are a good mom.”   Its' message is really simple,  but yet so not.  Instead of a period at the end of that statement I feel for most of us, it's a question mark.  From day one it's always been a question mark.  At least it's been for me.  

Am I a good mom if I choose to stop breast feeding?   They tell me "breast is best" but I'm emotionally exhausted and it really fucking hurts. Pardon my french, but with my firstborn, it was a nightmare, and I really should've stopped well before I did, for my own mental health - but I didn't, because I thought stopping was failing.  Instead, I trudged through to the 9 month mark because for some reason, that was the bell at the end.  If I could at least keep her on the boob until 9 months,  then I was a good mom.

Am I a good mom if I choose to go back to work?  I feel like I should want to stay home and raise my children, because that's what a good mom does - but I don't want to stay home.  Why don't I want to stay home? Why am I not happy when I'm at home every single day with my kids? (Thank you covid for that sobering reminder during pandemic lockdown..)  Good moms should want to be at home.  

Am I a good mom if my marriage ends? If I was a good mom I would've been able to make it work.   Good moms would never have even let it get to that point.  They would've known how to fix it so their kids didn't have to experience the pain and confusion of living in two different households and splitting their little hearts in between two people who promised them love, safety and predictability but then ripped it right out from underneath them.  Good moms make it work.  

Am I a good mom if I’m not the “traditional” model of doting wife to husband, house cleaner extraordinaire and baker of cinnamon buns?  I'm cut from a different mom cloth, the one that's ripped and at the back of the tea towel drawer.   My house isn't show home clean. I love my husband, but he can make his lunch and throw a load of laundry in just as good as I can.  Baking is left for days when I have nothing else on my to-do list which is usually not often.  Good moms bake buns.  At least mine did.  

Am I a good mom if I don’t always model the best behaviour?  Good moms don’t lose their shit, and they certainly don’t swear in front of (or occasionally at..) their kids.   Just because we know better, doesn’t always mean we do better.  (Sorry Oprah..I’m sure you coined that phrase but I’m living proof that knowing better and doing better are two completely different ball games.)  Good moms keep it together - always.   

Am I a good mom if want a break from it all?  Good moms don’t need rest.  They just power through and get er’ done - no questions asked.   Good moms don’t even think about going to bed unless all is well on the home front.   They certainly don’t ask for help because that would mean they couldn’t handle it all - and we can handle it all.  

It’s crazy what simply grabbing a mug for your Friday morning coffee can dig up from the depths of the subconscious and bring to the conscious mind.  There’s a reason my hand reached for this mug today, but more importantly, there’s a reason why you’ve chosen to continue reading it right through to the end.  You are a good mom.  Period.